Meandering Missive: My "shameful secret"

Thursday, October 06, 2005

My "shameful secret"

At my Tuesday Mindfulness Meditation group, when we went around the half-circle and each said what's new with us (good, bad or otherwise), I mentioned I'd started a blog and felt like it might be stimulating that part of my brain that used to love journalism but no longer does. Not that blogging is necessarily like being a journalist, but I can't help but think that if fun, personal-style writing in a "journal" or "diary" is so amazingly easy and enjoyable for me, maybe it's possible to re-connect with the ease and enjoyment I also used to feel so strongly for journalism-style writing.

Despite the fact that having "lost that loving feeling" for journalism makes me feel sad, frustrated and a little ashamed, it is NOT the shameful secret I referred to. I'll get to that in a minute. *grin* First I wanted to explain a bit about the Mindfulness Meditation group, in case it might be able to help someone the way it's helping me. It's offered through Kaiser, so if you don't have Kaiser HMO coverage, then you can't attend. Sorry. :( I started going about a year ago because of my problems with insomnia and anxiety. I've since been diagnosed as having mild ADHD, which may or may not shed light on the latter. (It's hard to tell whether I have the hyperness represented by the H, or if I have anxiety instead. But I definitely have the attention deficit stuff! *chuckle*)

Anyway, the MM group meets each Tuesday in late afternoon. It's drop-in, so you never need an appointment. (You do need a referral to get in the first time). The cost is half of a person's normal co-pay for standard appointments. The group is facilitated by a psychologist who happens to be highly experienced with meditation (and also a great person all the way around). Part of the 1.5-hour meeting involves practicing Mindfulness Meditation, which is kind of hard to explain. It's so easy it's hard! :) I encourage you to look it up on Google and learn about it.

Basically it involves closing your eyes, focusing on your breathing, and NOT trying to drive distracting thoughts out of your mind. That only makes them come back with a vengeance! Instead, you validate/recognize those thoughts and "let them be." And always come back to being "present" and thinking about your breathing. Eventually, the mind is filled with less and less racing thoughts, and you feel more and more relaxed. It's not as simple as it sounds, but it's rewarding. (Sorry I didn't do such a great job explaining it).

When we're not doing MM, we kind of morph into a "life/stress/anxiety support group". We take turns talking about things that are bothering us, and we get feedback from the facilitator. As a psychologist, he offers many good suggestions and is always very validating and helpful. So are the other folks in the group! Some of us have gotten to know each other quite well, and are also a good source of feedback and suggestions. For more info about mind/body stress reduction classes or groups at Kaiser, click here.

And now for my "shameful secret"! ;) The psych and some of the group regulars already know this about me. Somehow it came up in Tuesday's group and they playfully joked that since I now have a blog, maybe I should share my confession in the blog. Perhaps a bunch of other folks will even come out of the woodwork and admit they have the same secret! And so, here it is... *drumroll please*... I can't ride a bicycle!!

LOL! Sorry if you expected to hear I was a space alien who only befriended you to abduct you, or I'm an axe murderer out on parole, or I moonlight in the world's oldest profession! My secret is nothing so exciting. However, it *is* something I don't go around broadcasting. In all my life, I've only met two other people who don't ride bikes, and both of them were as shocked as I was to find another "kindred spirit", so to speak. Both are in their 30s like I am. One is a man, one is a woman. The man was born in this country; the woman was not. I won't say anything else about these people, unless they wish to.

I will just speak for myself, and say I can't believe I didn't insist on training wheels! :( When I inherited my cousin's outgrown bike, it didn't have training wheels. Being an immature and unthinking kid, I tried to ride anyway. I don't know where my brain was! My dad learned to ride with no training wheels; my mom never learned at all. In any case, since they were both so overprotective of me when I was a kid, I wonder why THEY weren't the ones to insist I start with training wheels? I've asked them this now, and they honestly don't know. I don't hold a grudge against them or myself. I just feel embarrassed and regretful that I gave up too soon on learning to ride. I took a few scary and painful falls, and just developed a major complex about it. Maybe I was also picking up on my parents' anxiety about it. I don't know. I just know I wish I could ride a bike! *blush*

And yes, it's never too late to learn, but now that I'm in my 30s, my body's not quite as flexible as it was when I was 7! *chuckle* As an adult, I also have farther to fall than I did as a child, and my body probably wouldn't heal as fast. I'd consider learning if there was a way to install training wheels on an adult-size bicycle. I've never seen or heard of this, but if it's possible to send humans to the moon, it should be possible to find (or make) training wheels large enough for an adult, and properly install them on the bike. If anyone has any leads on this topic, please click the "Comments" link below, let me know. THANKS! <:) Confessions from non-bike riders are also welcome.

Today I am feeling embarrassed.

posted by ScaryShari @ 10:35 AM

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